decidedlyodd

While meandering around Berkeley this afternoon, it occured to me that it was about 10 years ago (give or take a month) that I first really visited Berkeley. Sure, once in high school I was here for an hour or so shopping at record stores, but it wasn’t until I was visiting prospective colleges that I came here for any length of time.

As I walked down Telegraph Avenue, I saw most of the same old haunts (Blondie’s Pizza, Amoeba and Rasputin, Shakespeare and Co., that vacant lot on the corner of Haste and Telegraph) and some changes (American Apparel, Walgreen’s, Chipotle, an empty Cody’s). I did some shopping, but only ended up buying two books at Shakespeare and Co.: Demian by Hesse (in German) and E.M. Forster’s Maurice. After more walking, I stopped for dinner at Bongo Burger on Euclid consisting of a Persian burger (grilled ground lamb sandwhich) and fries.

This trip has been different than any of the ones I took here last year. Because it was so last minute, I had little time to plan who I was going to visit and when. Obviously, people make plans in advance, so it comes as no surprise that I haven’t seen as many people for as long as I usually would. I’m fine with that though. It’s been such a relaxing trip where I’ve had a lot of time to just kick back and think.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it was probably a mistake to move away from here back in 2002. That’s not to say I can go back in time to change that decision or ever make things like they used to be. Those are clearly not options. It also doesn’t mean I’ve wasted the past 5 years. Living in different places has been a very valuable life experience that would be hard to give up. However, moving so much has caused me to reinvent myself so many times, that I feel like I’ve lost the richness of life I had when I last lived in one place for a long time (that is to say, here). Right now living in Seattle, I feel like I’ve become too one-dimensional. I feel like most of my friends and I have basically no common interests beyond being gay and enjoying conversation. Not that those are bad things to have in common–they’re just not enough on their own.

This all seems to tie back into my feelings of being in a rut right now too. I’m not sure where anything is going at this time. I generally like my job and where I live, but I hate my commute. I hate doing the same old shit every weekend. It’s all just getting frustrating and boring. I was hoping to make it to 21 months in Seattle. That would then mean it would be the place I’ve lived longest since being in the Bay Area. However, I’m not sure it’s going to happen. I’m getting the itch to move again eventhough I know it’s probably just a flighty desire to run away from my problems.

Ugh, I need real solutions.