decidedlyodd

Today, I slept in until about 9am. It was really nice to be woken up by the sounds of waves and bright sunlight coming in the window. After I got showered and dressed, I headed down to the beach. I stayed there with everybody from breakfast at around 11 until a little after 5pm. A lot of time was spent just hanging out and enjoying the company of those I knew and those I didn’t. I also spent some time throwing around the aerobie with Ryan and Texanna down by the water, followed by a brief dip in the Pacific.

Overall, it was a pretty nice and relaxing day. I still find the whole thing a bit overwhelming at times, but in general I enjoyed myself much more today. I’ve noticed it in the past, but it’s become clear that situations like this (i.e., lots of gay men anywhere for an extended period of time) seem to really hurt my self-image and self-esteem. I feel like I have to compete with all the beautiful guys on the beach (even if they really are in the minory), but I just can’t really do that without spending my whole life shopping for expensive clothes and working out in the gym. I think it’s just my competetive nature to either do something really well or not do it at all. It’s hard to break old habits though, but I’m trying.

I spent most of the day just sitting quietly enjoying the weather, the eye candy and an occasional conversation. I’m not comfortable meeting people I don’t already know unless there’s some obvious commonality that can be used to start a conversation. I just don’t know what to say and when I do say something it often comes off as forced and disingenuous. It’s easier to just not worry about these things and relax in solitude, but in an environment like this one I’m constantly confronted with my friends successfully doing these things I just don’t seem to be able to, which I tend to find frustrating.

Still, I don’t want to give the impression that I’m having a bad time. Today was actually really nice. These circumstances just cause me to analyze my own weaknesses and failings, which tends to lead to a certain degree of angst and soul searching. Either way, I feel like I’m at least getting something out of this trip so far.